Deep Regrets
by Suroun
Summary: Garnet confronts her past mistakes as leader of the Crystal Gems and tries to make amends with her teammates.
1. Chapter 1

Garnet needed to get out of the house for a while. Her heart was in so much turmoil that she would have unfused if Ruby and Sapphire were in disagreement over the issue. However, it was Garnet herself who had messed up, so they were both equally to blame.

Pearl and Amethyst had stolen Rose's bubble out of the burning room, which she had made abundantly clear they were not to enter, and then popped it over one of their petty arguments! Those shards were incredibly dangerous, and they had the audacity to cover it up!? Those things could have seriously hurt Steven, or one of them, and as leader, she had every right to be angry with their insubordination. Deep down inside, however, she understood why they had tried to hide the truth from her.

"That was twelve years ago!" Garnet said to herself as she walked through the old battlefield. "Surely they know they know they can trust me again!?" Garnet just sighed and sat down, putting her face in her hands. Steven didn't remember what had happened because he'd been a baby at the time, but it killed her to picture the look of disillusionment and disappointment on his face if he knew what she'd done. She thought of Rose and how much faith she had placed in her when she made her second in command of the Crystal Gems. After Rose died, Garnet had taken on responsibility as the new leader, and then mere months later she betrayed all of the trust that Rose had in her.

None of the gems had ever talked about what happened that day, and Garnet knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was not the same gem she had been when she became leader. All the same, after today's events it was clear to her that her actions had left a deep scar in her teammates, perhaps even a wound in their relationship that could never be healed. Garnet pulled her legs up to her chin and began to cry silently into her knees. She wanted so badly to make amends with them, but Garnet couldn't even forgive herself. Why on earth should they, when they could not be sure of their leader's intentions? The words "You will be broken for this!" echoed through Garnet's mind in the sharp, cold voice of Blue Diamond, and then in her own bitter, angry growl.

Ch. 1 More coming soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Warning: This chapter contains violence and abuse and may not be appropriate for younger children.

"Amethyst, I need to go to Mt. Agate and retrieve the fire crystal" Garnet had informed her, twelve years prior. "If I'm successful it won't erupt for another 100 years, and we can avoid another disaster. I'll need to go alone. In the meantime, there is a corrupted gem in the strawberry fields. It shouldn't be a problem, it's just a big beetle monster. Think you can handle it?"

"What about Steven?" Amethyst asked, hoping to spend more time playing with the newborn whom Greg had brought for a visit.

"I think it's best we allow Pearl some time with the baby. She's not dealing well with… the loss…and I think we need to give her a chance to get to know little Steven."

"Okay" Amethyst said, a little disappointed at having to leave her new friend, but also grinning at the opportunity to go on a solo mission. Garnet left the house and disappeared under the water, swimming to the nearby island where she would retrieve the crystal and prevent the destruction of its inhabitants. It was nice to be alone with her thoughts as she ventured toward the island. She thought of Rose, and how much she missed her. She couldn't believe her best friend and mentor was gone forever. She missed her smile, her kindness and understanding nature. She had never once judged Garnet for what she was, and was always there for her no matter what.

As Garnet went about her mission, Steven came her mind. She no longer had Rose, but she had him. She couldn't explain why she felt so affectionate toward him, so protective. After all, Rose was gone because of him. Despite all that, Garnet loved him deeply and inexplicably, and couldn't help but wonder if this is how Rose would have felt, if she had been human and able to be with him now. She hoped Pearl was enjoying her time with him while Greg left her to babysit, while he went to go to the store. Surely she would love him too, in time.

When Garnet arrived back at the temple she heard growling and the sound of Steven's cries. She ran as fast as she could and busted the door open trying to get to him. When she saw him he was screaming and surrounded by corrupted gems, who had taken a form similar to ravenous wolverines, but sickly orange with ugly deformed faces and frothing mouths. Garnet destroyed all of them within a matter of seconds and held the child close. Unfortunately, Pearl and Amethyst chose that exact moment to warp back into the kitchen.

Before Garnet could even blink, she had Pearl by the hair, screaming in her face. "Why did you leave him!" she growled, punching her in the stomach. Pearl let out a gasp.

"What are you talking about!?" Pearl struggled desperately. Garnet punched her harder in the face.

"You were supposed watch him! Gem monsters attacked the temple and you weren't here to protect him! Do you resent him so much that you want him gone, is that it?! I told you to stay here! You'd think even a worthless Pearl could follow simple orders!" she bellowed. She was practically crushing Pearl to death now and Amethyst stared up at the two older gems in shock and horror before running away as fast as she could go. All of Garnet's fear for Steven and the rage and crippling grief for her beloved mentor blinded her as she snarled "You will be broken for this!" She couldn't see that Pearl had simply thought he would be alright for just a while she helped Amethyst with her mission. In her mind, she had left him for dead out of spite. She raised both gauntlets and Pearl crumpled to the floor, broken, bloody, and terrified. She looked up at the gem whom she had trusted and been friends with for millennia with a look of utter shock and betrayal.

"G-Garnet…no!" She whispered, trembling. "P-p-please" It was all she could manage. She covered her head with her arms and just waited, completely helpless.

In the silence that followed, Steven's terrified squalls snapped Garnet back to reality. She looked at the tiny little boy and then back at Pearl, who was now a bloodied heap on the floor, was sobbing at her feet and still begging Garnet not to kill her, as if Garnet was a diamond and Pearl was yet again a common homeworld slave who had disobeyed her master. The weight of what just occurred begun to dawn on her and her face contorted into one of horror. "What have I done!?" Garnet thought, backing away. Garnet was the one that deserved to be shattered.

Garnet was back in the strawberry field now. She was sobbing uncontrollably, visors flung aside like trash. Since that time, Garnet had changed completely and had pushed the memory out of her mind. Now she realized she had never even mentioned the incident after it happened or apologized to either of them. She just wanted to forget. She was now, however, forced to face the consequences of what she'd done. Both of her teammates feared her, and Pearl probably sill blamed herself. Ever since then she had clung all the more tightly to the more powerful gem, desperate for her approval as if she was the one in need of forgiveness.

Garnet was absolutely disgusted with herself.

Author's note: Secret Team had me speculating about the gem's past and how the characters and relationships might have been vastly different at a different point in time. Based on Pearl and Amethyst's reactions in the episode, Garnet may have been a very different person at a certain point in her life. Also, while I chose to portray this "good guy" character as having bee abusive in the past and understandable reasons for doing what she did, I in no way mean to imply that abuse in any form is condonable. Ch. 3 coming soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Garnet wiped the tears from her eyes and got up. As painful as this was going to be, she couldn't put this off any longer. The last thing she wanted to do was bring those memories back up, but she knew that no matter how hard she had tried to change, she needed to talk through what had happened in order to regain Pearl and Amethyst's trust. Her shades had cracked and poofed when she had thrown them aside, so she phased a new pair over her eyes with a wave of her hand. She didn't want the others to see her like this.

She removed the visors for a moment and examined her face in the reflection. "Look at me, I'm pathetic" she thought with shame. All three eyes were crusty and bloodshot, her face blotchy and even redder than usual. She scarcely recognized herself. She wiped the eye crust away and put the visors back on. She silently walked back to the warp pad. She paused and held herself for a moment, and inhaled shakily. She was genuinely afraid to face them, she laughed bitterly. "But that's exactly how I've made them feel, isn't it." She thought as she stepped onto the warp.

When the living room of the house came back into view, she saw Steven happily watching TV as if nothing had happened earlier in the waterfall room, and Pearl and Amethyst were standing in the corner whispering to each other.

"What do you think she'll do when she gets back? There's no way she was really that calm! If Steven weren't there, I don't know what she would have done!" Amethyst said nervously.

"I don't know" Pearl whimpered. "We're dead when she gets back. We really messed up this time. Those things could have…"

Pearl nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw that Garnet was standing in the kitchen. Garnet felt even more heartbroken after having heard them talk. Sure she had punished them before when they screwed up, even Rose had been firm with Garnet at times after she joined her the Crystal Gems. After all, however small it may be now, it had been an army, hadn't it? Garnet's punishments however, were always something petty in reality, and not deserving of this kind of fear; she had never laid a hand on either of them ever again. However, since the incident even something as small as being angrily scolded by their leader would have them shaking. Garnet never wanted this. Garnet had followed Rose out of loyalty and admiration, not out of fear. She never once had to question if Rose would forgive her or not, no matter how badly she had messed up. She had been so much more to Garnet than a commanding officer. Garnet looked down at the two smaller gems and suddenly she realized that this was not an army anymore; Pearl and Amethyst were Garnet's family. Garnet knew what she had to do now, but she couldn't allow Steven to overhear this conversation.

"Pearl, Amethyst, I need to talk to you in my room." The duo turned sickly pale and looked like they would rather do anything than follow the giant red gem through the temple door, but they didn't hesitate to obey the order.


	4. Chapter 4

Pearl and Amethyst followed Garnet into the burning room and when she turned to face them, the tiny purple gem subtlety stepped in front of Pearl protectively, despite her obvious fear. Pearl immediately began to apologize the bubble incident, sweat forming on her face.

"Garnet, I'm sorry for coming in here without permission, and for taking the bubble! I never thought it would pop, I'm so sorry for putting us all in danger and…"

Garnet took a step forward, intending to place a comforting hand on her shoulder and reassure her that she wasn't angry anymore.

Suddenly, Garnet felt herself being shoved backwards and landed hard on the tile floor. Amethyst had transformed into her Purple Puma form and was looking at Garnet as if she couldn't believe she had actually punched the towering gem. She had done it once before, and instantly regretted it. Garnet was glad Steven had convinced them to stop fighting, she really hadn't want to hurt Amethyst, but had been forced to defend herself. Amethyst hadn't come back to the temple for about two weeks afterward.

Back in the present, Amethyst shook off her fear and challenged the larger gem. "Don't touch her! I won't let you hurt her this time! I'll…I'll…" She backed down as Garnet got up and began to stalk slowly toward her. She shrank back to normal size as fear caused her to be unable to maintain her larger form. Garnet was right on top of her now.

"No no no!" she screamed as Garnet grabbed her… and held her tight. Terrified, Amethyst struggled to get away from her and smacked Garnet in the face, knocking the visors away. She froze with horror and looked Garnet in the eyes, all three of which were streaming now. Amethyst stared in confusion as Garnet simply tightened the embrace. The huge gem was soon engulfed in light. Garnet realized that couldn't provide any comfort as herself, the others were just too intimidated by her. Garnet was so immensely powerful that she could tear even Opal to shreds if she wanted too. What had she been thinking, confronting them this way? Of course they would have been scared. They were under the impression that she was still furious with them, and they were completely helpless.

Ruby and Sapphire soon stood where Garnet had been kneeling, hugging the purple gem. Sapphire spoke first.

"Amethyst, Pearl, Garnet wasn't upset about the stupid bubble. She was here because we just wanted to talk to you. Pearl, we're so sorry about what happened all those years ago. We never even apologized because we just wanted to move on, but after today we realized that what we did is still affecting everyone." Sapphire explained while Ruby just looked ashamedly at her own shoes. Sapphire waved Pearl over, who was just staring in shock at seeing the two unfused.

Pearl, still nervous, hesitantly walked over. Ruby looked up at her tearfully and said "Pearl, Garnet has changed. She's not the same gem who hurt you twelve years ago. She would never try to harm you again."

"We understand if you can't forgive us. I know we don't deserve it, but we love you, Pearl. We don't want you to be afraid of us. We want nothing more than for you to be able to trust us again." Sapphire explained.

"I wish there was some way we could make it up to you. We never meant those awful things we said." Ruby continued. "We were scared for Steven and thought you had left him on purpose, just hoping something would happen to him. We knew you loved Rose and we thought you resented him for taking her away from you. You're not just some pearl to us, and we don't actually think you're worthless. We were grieving ourselves and blinded by fear, and we took it out on you. I'm sorry."

Pearl kneeled down in front of the two tiny gems and responded. "I forgave you a long time ago. Besides, you were right. I disobeyed orders and put Steven in danger. I deserved it. I…" Pearl said, crying. "I tried to make it up to you, but I just keep messing up and…" she sobbed. Pearl soon found herself being held tight by a re-fused Garnet.

"Pearl, no" she soothed, stroking her hair comfortingly. None of it was your fault. I'm so sorry I let you believe that for so long. You never did anything to deserve the way I treated you." She gently lifted up Pearl's streaming face to eye level. "I never want you to feel that you have to prove anything to me. I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I made you feel worthless and I'm so, so sorry, Pearl. I was the one in the wrong, and I never even dealt with the wall it put between us. I know I don't deserve a second chance, but please… won't you let me start over?"

Pearl smiled weakly up at the larger gem. "Of course I will" she nodded hoarsely.

"Thank you" she whispered and turned her attention to Amethyst.

"Amethyst, you never should have had to see what happened that day, especially when you felt like you couldn't do anything to protect her. I'm proud you stood up for her today, even though I was never going to hurt her. You Know, Rose never officially appointed me the new leader when she left us. I just kind of took over because I was second in command when she died. If you're not willing to give me a second chance, the position is yours. You proved to me today that you deserve it."

"Actually Garnet, I think you really should stay leader. I believe in you. I wasn't sure until now, but I believe you really have changed." Garnet stretched her arm toward the purple gem and Amethyst joined the embrace. The Crystal Gems had come so far, and were finally reunited as one for the first time since Rose's death. They huddled together and Garnet promised herself that she would never, ever tear this team apart again no matter what. No matter what mistakes she might make in the future, she would prove that she was worthy of their trust.

"We have a long way to go."


	5. Chapter 5

Hey, I hoped you liked this and I'm thinking of doing a crossover fic with the crystal gems as Hogwarts students. On an unrelated note *cough cough* let me know what houses you think the characters would be in.


	6. Chapter 6

Epilogue

That night, Pearl tucked Steven into bed. She normally would have watched over him while he slept but tonight she had a lot to think about. She sighed. She still felt terrible despite Garnet's repeated assertions that she had done nothing wrong all those years ago, and that what she and Amethyst had done today was forgiven. She knew she had nothing more to feel guilty about, but she remembered how she would have been treated for such failures back on Homeworld and a shiver ran down her spine. When she was the servant of White Diamond she had been beaten mercilessly for far less serious offences, and that was for innocent mistakes. Peal trembled as she remembered the first time she had ever disobeyed a direct order.

Pearl was face down on the floor of the diamonds' throne room, beaten to a point that no human could have ever survived, her gem cracked. Her life was barely a flicker as her physical construct glitched uncontrollably. She sobbed desperately and begged her diamond for her life but she knew it was futile; there would be no mercy and she was going to be shattered. Anyone would have taken pity on the abject, terrified gem, and be appalled at the diamond's treatment of her had she been of any other type. But she was a pearl, a defective and disobedient one at that and didn't deserve to live, either in the eyes of her tormentors or in her own eyes. She turned to the other towering gems before her, knowing her only hope was if one of them was willing to buy her, but no one would ever want someone like her. To her immense surprise and relief, a member of Pink Diamond's court, a high- ranking rose quartz general, said she would take her.

Several thousand years later Pearl sat on the couch beneath Steven's room and relived everything. That old image of herself was burned into her mind and she couldn't help but believe that was the way she truly still was.

"Pearl?" a squeaky little voice asked. Steven climbed down the steps from his room. "Are you ok?" Pearl reassured him she was fine. She wiped the tears from her eyes and put the boy back to bed before leaving for her own room. She needed to see it all again, process it, look at it from the outside and somehow convince herself the gem she saw wasn't really her. In Pearl's mind, this would help, but in reality she had done this so many times before and it only tore her apart. She projected a hologram of the whole ordeal onto one of the water towers in her room, replaying the awful memory.

In the burning room, Garnet was forced to watch every bit of this through her future vision moments before Pearl played the memory on her makeshift screen. Garnet had no idea. She saw the look of fear and hatred on Pearl's face as she watched the projection of the Diamonds, and the undying gratitude she felt for Rose. The screen darkened briefly before an eerily similar scene from twelve years prior played out. Garnet tried to pull herself out of the vision, but she couldn't. Crushed with guilt, she had no choice but to relive her own worst memory and see just how much pain she had really inflicted. She was just like the Diamonds.

The movie ended and she heard Pearl speak to herself inside of the dark room. "You were just like them." she said, confirming Garnet's fears. "But somehow," she added "now you're more like Rose." Garnet couldn't believe her ears. "You're not the same gem. If you changed, maybe I'm really not the same as I was either." Garnet's heart shattered as Pearl choked out, and for the first time truly meaning it-"I forgive you."


End file.
